Young Latter-day Saints no longer need to fear biking in tropical humidity, knocking doors in arctic New Jersey winters, or wiping their butts with their bare hands in remote African villages.
Thanks to the Church’s new Home-Based AI Missionary Program, today’s elders and sisters can serve the Lord from the comfort of their parents’ basements.
Each robot, dubbed the ElderBot 3000, strolls the streets of Peru, South Florida, Africa, or Rexburg, Idaho, while the actual missionary LIVE broadcasts their face onto a digital screen mounted on the robot’s head.
“No cap, it’s like I’m actually there,” said Sister Thain, controlling her robot from a beanbag chair.
“My dad used to tell me stories about nearly pooping his pants at an investigator’s home in the hills of Peru after he ate a meal that didn’t sit well. But he’ll never understand the trauma of your AirPods dying or your Wifi cutting out mid-First Vision. Tragic, bruh,” said Elder Braxton.
Church officials touted the upgrade in their press release as a “Modern solution to 21st-century discomforts like being outside, making eye contact, or eating gluten.”
“We’re still hastening the work,” one Church spokesperson said. “We’re just doing it with more bandwidth… and a lot less diarrhea.”
For the time being, each robot will be paired with a flesh-and-blood missionary until production of the robots can catch up with the demand.
