In a stunning doctrinal clarification unveiled this week, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has officially declared that gross tithing, not net, is the Lord’s preferred accounting method.
The revelation comes just days after BYU’s NIL collective launched a new campaign titled “Render All Unto BYU.” According to church officials, the timing is entirely coincidental and divinely optimized.
“For too long, members have wrestled with the age-old question: ‘Do I pay tithing on what I earn, or what I actually take home after Caesar takes his cut?’” said Presiding Bishop W. Christopher Waddell. “We now affirm, by the power of revelation and recruiting analytics, that the Lord wants 10 percent of the gross. Otherwise, you may receive net blessings, and no one wants that.”
The announcement was met with thunderous applause in Provo, where reports say several BYU quarterbacks received sudden spiritual confirmation that their previous tithing calculations may have fallen short. Unrelatedly, the same players have since petitioned to renegotiate their NIL agreements.
Church spokespeople emphasized that this is not about money. It is about obedience, spiritual discipline, and staying ahead of Oregon in the race for five-star tight ends.
To aid in compliance, BYU Financial Aid has released a new Gross vs. Net Testimony Builder app.
Meanwhile, local wards are revising tithing settlement forms to include new checkboxes:
- I pay on the gross
- I need to repent
As one apostle reportedly put it off-record, “The Lord gave you all of it. He’s just asking for 10 percent before the government steals it.”
Leave a Reply