WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a historic turn of events, Senator Mike Lee (R-UT) has accomplished the impossible by uniting liberals, conservatives, environmentalists, hunters, hikers, realtors, retirees, and even libertarians.
The reason for this bipartisan unity? A once little-known Senate budget provision that proposes selling off up to 3 million acres of public lands across 11 Western states.
“We haven’t seen America this united since 9/11,” said one D.C. staffer. “Mike Lee may have just solved polarization by giving everyone something to be outraged about together.
The sudden wave of agreement has left some lawmakers in uncharted waters, torn between their instinct to oppose Mike Lee and their deep discomfort at agreeing with each other.
“Telling people to judge character based on political association has worked beautifully to keep them divided and looking to us for answers,” said one Congressional lawmaker who asked to remain anonymous – but who goes by three letters and streams on Twitch.
“But right now… people are coming together. All we can do is find something else to distract them and make them hate each other again.”
In the end, Mike Lee didn’t just propose selling America’s land – he sold America on unity.
