FAIRVIEW, TX — In a holy merger of revelation and rural zoning, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has agreed to swap its traditional twelve baptismal oxen for a dozen sculpted Texas longhorns in order to secure a temple permit from the city of Fairview.
The decision came after tense negotiations with city officials, who reportedly told Church leaders, “We love Jesus, but we love cattle with flair.”
“The twelve oxen have always represented the twelve tribes of Israel,” said Church spokesperson Sister Rebecca Whitmore, “but we’ve prayed about it and feel confident the Lord is okay with horns that have a bit more swagger.”
Local approval skyrocketed after the redesign was revealed. Each of the twelve longhorns will stand beneath the baptismal font wearing a commemorative “Come and Be Dunked” collar and a subtle leather saddle “for reverence.”
Fairview city council member Dale Treadwell praised the compromise. “It’s the most Texas thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve been to a monster truck rodeo wedding.”
When asked about theological implications, Elder Boyd T. Buckner of the Temple Committee responded, “The doctrine is unchanged. These longhorns are just a contextual metaphor for strength, service, and open-carry holiness.”
Unofficial renderings of the temple also include stained glass windows featuring Joseph Smith with a ten-gallon hat and a Celestial Room chandelier shaped like a spur.
Groundbreaking is expected later this year, right after the Church clears the final city requirement: renaming the baptismal font “The Holy Trough.”
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