SALT LAKE CITY — In a bombshell announcement this week, LDS Church leaders admitted that one of their most iconic hymns, If You Could Hie to Kolob, has been based on a typo for nearly 180 years.
The hymn was always meant to be If You Could Hike to Kolob, but the error was quietly swept under the celestial rug. The truth has finally come out.
“This is something we’ve struggled with for generations,” admitted a senior Church spokesperson when pressed for comment. “When the typo was discovered in the 1840s, it was decided that correcting it would be too embarrassing. So instead, we leaned into it and pretended ‘hie’ was a deeply spiritual word, even though it’s literally nonsense.”
To maintain the illusion, Church leaders subtly redefined hie as a term for spiritual speed, urgency, or—when pressed—“something very holy that you just wouldn’t understand.” Members were encouraged to sing the hymn with heartfelt conviction, even as they quietly wondered what on earth they were saying.
“I remember asking my dad what ‘hie’ meant when I was a kid,” said one lifelong member. “He told me it was a salutation on Kolob when you see someone you know.”
The admission has vindicated a fringe conspiracy theorist group called the Kolob Truthers, who have insisted for years that the hymn was never about “hie-ing” anywhere.
“We always knew it was a typo!” declared the group’s leader in a celebratory livestream. “It was obvious! Nobody uses the word hie in any context except that one song. We’ve been laughed at for decades, but now the Church has proved us right. We demand an official apology.”
This revelation has sent shockwaves through the Wasatch Front, with Deseret Book announcing a full recall of all hymnals printed before 2025. Local seminary teachers are scrambling to update lesson plans, while Utah’s REI stores have sold out of trekking poles, modest hiking skirts, and commemorative I Hiked to Kolob merch.
The Church has since launched a new fitness program entitled Prepare Ye the Way… with Quads, aimed at helping members physically and spiritually prepare for elevation gains both temporal and eternal.
No word yet on whether High on the Mountain Top is also under review.
Leave a Reply