CELESTIAL KINGDOM — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints confirmed this week that, with spiritual housing prices on the rise, faithful Saints hoping to lock in prime eternal real estate will need to try a little harder.
For decades, Latter-day Saints have been taught that by living righteously and keeping covenants, they could one day inherit their kingdoms in the hereafter. But recent revelations suggest the market in the Celestial Kingdom has “gotten a bit out of hand.”
“The spiritual economy’s booming,” said Brother Reed Hinkley, Executive Secretary of the Celestial Coordination Corps. “Frankly, it’s no longer enough to magnify your calling. Now? It’s a two-calling minimum just to break even.”
Effective immediately, all Saints wishing to tightrope the commandments to a mansion in the Celestial Kingdom must:
- Accept a second calling
- Double their scripture study time
- Attend at least 2.5 temple sessions per week (recommends will now expire every 60 days)
- Stay awake during High Council talks
Celestial inflation is so high that younger generations are struggling to break in. Most of them are being priced out of their own exaltation.
“I want a kingdom of glory, but I just can’t keep up with the spiritual down payment requirements,” said 22-year-old returned missionary Jaxon Nielsen.
Jaxon is currently renting a basement apartment in his parents’ Celestial palace.
“I’m on the celestial family plan until I get my spiritual credit score where it needs to be. I thought serving a mission would help, but what I didn’t know is that your score drops each time you fall asleep during your morning prayer,” said Jaxon.
Jaxon also just learned that his score drops significantly each month he’s home, and he hasn’t found an eternal companion.
Many young people like Julie Smith have come to grips with the idea of existing forever in a lower tier kingdom.
“Telestial doesn’t sound so bad,” said Smith.
New policies have been put in place allowing worthy offspring to remain on their parents’ heavenly estate, but are promptly kicked off at 27, the ‘menace to society’ age.
When asked whether paying additional tithing might improve a Saint’s odds of securing prime celestial real estate, Church officials declined to comment directly.
“We encourage all members to give generously,” said Brother Hinkley, “but salvation is not for sale–unless you’re referring to blessings, opportunities, or enhanced mansion visibility. In that case… let’s just say the windows get a little bigger.”
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