EXCLUSIVE: The REAL Lives of Zion’s Stay-at-Home Celestial Queens

Forget the matching aprons, Pinterest-perfect chore charts, and homemade wheat bread. Secret Lives of Mormon Wives got it all wrong.

I was given an EXCLUSIVE look, and trust me, the real secret lives of Mormon housewives are far more scandalous than any reality tv show.

Note: For this article, I will call the Mormon wife, Becky.

Buckle up – It’s a wild ride.

7:32 AM – Becky wakes up, before she even opens her eyes, she feels like someone is in the room with her. She opens her eyes, and standing just inches from her face is the outline of a tangled hair demon. Oh, no, wait. That’s just her two-year-old. That’s when the incessant “mom, mom, mom” begins.

8:45 AM – Her husband is now at work. Cereal is all over the floor, and for the third time this week, she’s missed the $24.99/month workout group she insisted to her husband would help her get in good habits.

9:00–11:00 AM – Bluey goes on. Toys get dumped. Becky doom-scrolls reels of other Mormon moms living “their best lives.” She saves a sourdough tutorial she’ll never watch, orders workout leggings that will never see a squat, and listens to a murder podcast at 2.5x speed while pitter-pattering around the house.

11:00 AM – Frozen nuggets hit the air fryer. She peels an orange for balance. Posts a selfie: “Nourishing and strengthening our bodies, dyno-nugget style!”

12:30 PM – The grind begins: She tackles dishes and then starts to grab the laundry out of her kids’ hamper… wait a minute, a lot of this laundry is what she folded yesterday. Some of it is still folded!

1:00 PM – Mandatory nap time for the kids. Becky takes 10 minutes to update her Goodreads account. It’s May and she’s already read 76 books. She doom scrolls through Insta reels again and gets great life advice that’s not confusing at all from totally qualified people…

Reel 1: Why you should only breastfeed your kids.
Reel 2: “Formula mommies unite.”
Reel 3: Don’t sleep train – it’s traumatizing.
Reel 4: If your baby isn’t sleep trained by 6 months, you’re failing.
Reel 5: Gentle parenting is the only respectful way to raise a child.
Reel 6: Kids need firm discipline – be the parent, not their friend.
Reel 7: Don’t overstimulate your baby – quiet time is sacred.
Reel 8: Talk, sing, narrate EVERYTHING or they’ll have speech delays.
Reel 9: Homemade baby food or nothing.
Reel 10: Store-bought pouches are literally saving moms’ lives.
Reel 11: Keep your baby close – babywear until age 3.
Reel 12: Don’t spoil your baby – they need independent time.
Reel 13: Don’t post your kids online – protect their digital privacy.
Reel 14: If you’re not sharing your motherhood journey, are you even a mom?

Exasperated, Becky drops her phone and takes a nap.

2:00 PM – Becky wakes up and speed-cleans, speed-prays, and with her kids still asleep, she finally has a chance to get ready for the day.

4:45 PM – Dinner time. She boils noodles, dumps Costco Alfredo on top, and warms up canned green beans. Her kids are screaming. They’ve been alive all day. It’s a lot.

5:01 – Becky calls her husband to ask where he is, and gets bad news when he tells her there was a small accident and he’ll be home a little late.

5:30 PM – Her husband walks in. Dinner is served, and Becky asks him to watch the kids while she does the dishes… again.

8:09 PM – After the kids’ bedtime, Becky wants to watch a romantic comedy with her husband. Becky picks the movie and falls asleep within the first 10 minutes. Her husband picks up the remote, turns on the game, and then he immediately falls asleep.

And that, my friends, is the sacred, messy, incredible life of a Mormon Queen.

To all the Beckys out there… we salute you.