VATICAN CITY — After three rounds of sacred debate, whispered prayers, and highly ceremonial side-eye, the Catholic Church successfully elected a new pope on the fourth ballot — leaving leaders of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints scratching their heads and flipping through handbooks.
“Wait… so the opposing votes actually… mattered?” asked Elder Brent T. Halverson of the Correlation Committee. “You’re telling me they didn’t just ‘note it for the record’ and move on?”
In the LDS Church, members are routinely asked to “sustain” leaders in a public vote, a sacred tradition that includes the optional gesture of raising your hand in opposition — widely considered the equivalent of yelling into a canyon: technically allowed, spiritually ignored.
The Vatican’s voting process, meanwhile, is held in a sealed conclave, complete with smoke signals, centuries of political intrigue, and—apparently—functional ballots. According to reports, the first three votes failed due to actual objections being taken seriously.
“We just didn’t feel unity yet,” said one cardinal. “Also, one guy kept voting for Steve from accounting.”
Utah Latter-day Saints, long accustomed to voting ceremonies where everyone raises their hand in perfect unison, are now grappling with the concept of opposition with consequences.
“I once voted against my elders quorum president,” said Sandy resident Linda McBride. “They just gave me a concerned look, bore their testimony, and he still got sustained. The spirit was… awkward.”
In light of the Vatican’s approach, Church officials confirmed they will not be adopting the Catholic model. “It sounds very inefficient,” said an Area Seventy. “And besides, we already know who the Lord picked. Spoiler: It’s always the guy already standing there.”
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