LEHI, UT — In a bold fusion of frosting and faith, Crumbl Cookies announced today it has acquired Deseret Book, the LDS Church’s flagship publisher and retailer, in a deal so sweet it comes with insulin warnings.
The rebranded chain, now known as Dessert Book, will offer an immersive experience where every copy of Jesus the Christ comes with a chilled pink sugar cookie and a side of guilt-free indulgence.
“Why just feed the soul,” said Crumbl co-founder Sawyer Hemsley, “when you can also feed the glucose cravings of Utah County moms?”
The move comes as part of Crumbl’s aggressive expansion into spiritually adjacent snacking. Starting next month, titles like The Miracle of Forgiveness and Believing Christ will be sold alongside cookie-scented candles, tithing-themed macarons, and limited-edition Nephi’s Nacho Cheesecake Bars.
Deseret Book employees are reportedly being retrained as “Frosting Ambassadors,” and store layouts will now feature a “Hot Beverage Bar” that serves only Postum and steamed Sprite — in compliance with the Word of Wisdom.
LDS Church spokesperson Elder Bryce T. Zimmerman issued a brief statement: “While the Church retains doctrinal control, we see no conflict between eternal salvation and limited-time caramel drizzle.”
Reactions from customers have been mixed. “I came in looking for a book on personal revelation,” said one Provo shopper, “and walked out with 1,200 calories and a tote bag that says ‘CTR = Cookie, Then Repent.’ Honestly? Best Tuesday ever.”
Analysts say the merger could revolutionize Utah retail, with rumors swirling that Kneaders may soon acquire The Friend magazine in a deal tentatively titled “The Loaves and Fishes Combo Pack.”
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