VATICAN CITY — In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through brunch tables and comment sections worldwide, Pope Leo XIV officially came out this week as, brace yourself, Catholic.
Speaking to a crowd of journalists who expected a gentle homily on world peace, climate change, or at worst, plastic straws, the Pope instead leaned into the microphone and dropped a theological bombshell:
“The family is founded on the stable union between a man and a woman. And yes, the unborn have inherent dignity.”
Gasps echoed through the room. One Vatican reporter reportedly fainted into a pile of communion wafers. MSNBC cut to a breaking news panel titled “Papal Extremism: Has He Gone Too Far?”
Meanwhile, a popular influencer posted, “This isn’t the Vatican I grew up ignoring,” racking up over 80,000 likes and a lucrative candle sponsorship.
Some critics are calling for the Pope’s resignation. Others have launched a Change.org petition demanding the Church “upgrade to 2025 morality or be de-platformed.” A group of theology majors at a liberal arts college in Oregon declared the statement “problematic, patriarchal, and painfully pre-Vatican III.”
“We were just beginning to suspect he was religious,” said one shocked observer on social media. “But this? This is full-on Catholic.”
Sources say the Pope is now considering a second press conference titled: “Yes, I Also Believe in Jesus.”
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