SALT LAKE CITY, UT — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced today that herbal coffee is now officially considered Word of Wisdom-compliant, finally answering the question no one was asking.
“The Word of Wisdom says hot drinks are not for the body,” said Church spokesperson Sister Lynette Brewson. “So naturally, we’ve decided that hot tea is fine as long as it’s not tea, and now hot coffee is fine as long as it’s not coffee. Hope that clears things up.”
The announcement sparked widespread celebration among Latter-day Saints who have long wanted to look cool holding a mug without spiraling into apostasy.
“This changes everything,” said Brother Steve Mallory of Syracuse. “I can finally drink something that looks like sin but technically isn’t. It’s like spiritual cosplay.”
The ruling has also reignited debate over other caffeinated taboos. While herbal coffee and herbal tea are now in the celestial clear, Church officials were quick to draw a firm line.
“We’d like to remind members that tiramisu is still off-limits,” said Sister Brewson. “We know it’s barely got any coffee in it. Still apostate. Don’t email us.”
Meanwhile, Church Distribution Services has announced a new line of mugs labeled “This Is Herbal, Don’t Judge Me,” and BYU has confirmed that its vending machines will continue selling Diet Coke, “but only the kind that destroys your kidneys, not your covenants.”
As of press time, a group of returned missionaries was seen standing in line at an Orem cafe, loudly asking if “herbal Frappuccinos” were a thing yet.
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