SALT LAKE CITY, UT — The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints released a rare clarification today addressing decades of persistent folklore, confirming that it was not the Three Nephites performing roadside miracles across North America — but, in most cases, members of the BYU defensive line.
The statement, quietly added to the Newsroom site under “Doctrinal Clarifications,” acknowledged that while faith-promoting stories of mysterious, glowing men changing tires, lifting stalled cars, and quoting scripture before vanishing “into thin air or a Camry” are widespread in the Latter-day Saint community, the vast majority of these events can be attributed to large, helpful returned missionaries from Provo.
“For the record, we love the Three Nephites,” the statement read, “but it’s time to give proper credit to the real heroes: 300-pound BYU linemen with hearts of gold and calves of steel.”
The Church noted that while the Three Nephites are still alive and very much on assignment, they are reportedly focused on “less visible” tasks and are not currently roaming the Wasatch Front looking for stranded minivans.
Sources say the mix-up likely began due to shared traits: spiritual glow, uncanny timing, and the ability to lift a Honda Civic with one arm while offering a brief sermon on enduring to the end.
Despite the clarification, many members remain unconvinced, citing strong testimonies and ward email chains dating back to 1998.
The Church encouraged members to express gratitude to those who serve, whether or not they’ve been translated — and reminded everyone that divine intervention doesn’t always come with sandals and a scriptural reference. Sometimes, it shows up in a BYU hoodie and drives a lifted Tacoma.
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