OREM, UT – With the Utah GOP convention just days away, Democrat Republicans, known in the wild as RINOs, are experiencing what political scientists call a “pants-pooping level event.” The reason? A proposed amendment that would revoke party membership from any candidate who bypass the caucus and collects signatures to get on the ballot.
In a stunning turn of irony, the RINOs have responded by doing what they always do: gathering signatures – this time to stay Republicans.
“This is how we express ourselves,” said one clipboard-wielding state legislator outside a Harmons. “I’ve never been to a caucus, but I’ve got 27 signatures from my HOA.”
The proposed change would hit signature collectors like Gov. Spencer Cox, Rep. John Curtis, and others who treat grassroots engagement the same way they treat gas station bathrooms: to be avoided at all costs.
In response, Cox and Curtis were seen leading a “Support Group for Signature Seekers” in a dimly lit back room of the UCCU Center. There, surrounded by gentle acoustic guitar and a stack of printed Google Forms, they reassured worried candidates:
“You are valid. You are electable. You are… sort of Republican.”
Cox later addressed the press directly:
“I don’t avoid delegates because I’m scared. I avoid them because they ask questions I can’t answer without alienating my base, my donors, or my therapist.”
As the vote looms, RINOs are doing what they do best – avoiding delegates and hoping enough people at Trader Joe’s will sign something to let them keep calling themselves Republicans.
Whether the amendment passes or not, one thing is clear: no amount of signatures can un-poop pants.
Leave a Reply