Salt Lake City, UT — In what some are calling a “miraculous innovation” and others are calling “light pharmaceutical apostasy,” the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is facing accusations of replacing sacrament water with microdoses of Ozempic to combat murmuring during fast Sundays.
The allegations began circulating after several members reported feeling “oddly full” despite not having eaten for nearly 20 hours. “I didn’t even glance at the Cheerios in my diaper bag,” said one Utah County mother.
In a related development, members have also reported that the sacrament bread “hits different” lately, with some comparing it to Elvin bread. “One small bite is enough to fill the stomach of a grown man,” one deacon reportedly whispered.
Church spokesperson Elder Grant V. Swallow issued a brief statement, neither confirming nor denying the Ozempic allegations:
“While we cannot comment on sacramental ingredients, we can affirm our commitment to supporting the Saints in their temporal and spiritual hunger management.”
An anonymous source within the Church’s Experimental Ordinance Optimization Task Force claims the change followed years of murmuring complaints reaching what they called “critical mass.”
“Before Ozempic, Fast Sunday felt like the Hunger Games. Now it’s more like the Quiet Games.”
No word yet on whether the Church plans to administer caffeine patches during General Conference.
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