SALT LAKE CITY, UT — After a season of “strategic player development” (read: losing on purpose), the Utah Jazz secured the 5th overall pick in the NBA Draft — just in time to miss out on actual game-changers like Cooper Flagg, who’s expected to go No. 1 and never even learned where Utah is on a map.
The Jazz war room, reportedly stocked with La Croix, celery sticks, and broken dreams, fell silent when the fifth pick was announced. One scout was overheard whispering, “We tanked for this? We benched Lauri Markkanen in February for this?”
With Flagg, Ace Bailey, and anyone remotely capable of generating offense off the board, Jazz brass quickly pivoted to their comfort zone: a 7-foot white guy from a country with more vowels than vowels. Sources confirm Utah is “high” on Serbian center Tomojević Gromblovich, a prospect who can’t jump over a phone book but “really understands the game… from the bench.”
“He’s not flashy,” said GM Justin Zanik. “But he has a great feel for the game, sets a mean screen, and plays the kind of basketball that’s very popular in… Eastern Orthodox monasteries.”
When asked if Gromblovich could dunk, Zanik laughed nervously. “Dunking’s not really part of his game. Or the game we want to play. We’re focused on floor spacing and cultural humility.”
Jazz fans, now in year 5 of a 2-year rebuild, are coping in traditional ways: blind optimism, Photoshopping fake trade packages for Luka Doncic, and rewatching Stockton-to-Malone highlights like they’re conspiracy documentaries.
Team owner Ryan Smith tweeted shortly after the pick: “Trust the process. Not our process. But, like, Philly’s. That one worked eventually.”
Season tickets go on sale tomorrow under the slogan:
“Jazz Basketball: At Least We’re Not the Hornets.”
Leave a Reply